Senior Tesla Motors Media Consultant quits. Reveals All! Says “STUPID, STUPID NEWS REPORTERS NOW USING FACTS INSTEAD OF TESLA TALKING POINTS, THUS RUINING THE WHOLE DEAL…”
Fremont, CA– As of today, there is no mention of Buzz Flapjaw on any Tesla Motors website. His name appears to have been scrubbed from all Tesla media.
Buzz is a legend in the corporate communications industry, but he now has no relationship with Tesla Motors, certainly as of this weekend.
Buzz said, “The PRESS ARE IDIOTS!” in national press releases (the results of which are shown below):
He went on to say: “The Stupid, Stupid news reporters are now using facts, hard data and detailed research to write their stories about Tesla Motors and Elon Musk, instead of the extensive and carefully prepared talking points we gave their news directors. You would think that our investors ad money would still give us control of the media but apparently not..”
“(Fucking Glenn Greenwald)”, He muttered under his breath.. “(Jay Carney would never let this shit happen when he controlled the news…”) he continued to mutter to himself…
Buzz elaborated: “Only those of us inside Tesla can truly describe the kool aid colors (Tesla’s fanboy shill bloggers favorite drink) of the bright Tesla future and the wonderfulness of just being a Rich Frat Boy Democrat, err,.. uh… Tesla Owner”
Formerly with Enron, Buzz moved on to run the General Motors ignition key safety group, and was stolen by Elon Musk (Who stole Tesla from Martin Eberhardt), from GM when his valuable disinformation skills were noted. Buzz expressed his angst and frustration with the constant concerns over Tesla’s stock “activities” and the reference to Tesla as a “creepy taxpayer swindle-scam created to manipulate the stock market and exploit tax credits which Tesla’s investors bribed into place”.
“THAT IS JUST WRONG!”, Raged Buzz, “there is nothing creepy about it!”
Buzz also commented on other controversies: “Senator Feinstein DID NOT put herself on the intelligence committee just so she could get a heads-up just before she gets caught. She did not take bribes! Our investors huge cash payments to her PAC are irrelevant, as are the insider stocks and real estate holdings her, and her family, profited on and we only hired her staff to help them out, not as revolving door bribes, people are just making things up! The fact that Elon Musk had a personal relationship with her had nothing to do with it! If you ignore the direct connection between Solyndra and Tesla, and all of the investors who are also campaign donors, which are all on the same land, you can just … err….uhm….. Benghazi!”, Said Buzz.
Also commenting on the Tesla fires, he admonished: “OK, so the Tesla patents do say, in no uncertain language, that the Tesla batteries will blow up and kill your family and burn your house down, but that is not why we were just giving the patents away. Also, even though every major university has said that they way we configured the NOT APPROVED FOR CARS batteries creates ‘the most likely scenario for an explosive fire, of any lithium ion configuration on EARTH’, the handful of cars we have sold only blow up a little bit and the cancer-causing gas they emit can be avoided if you get 2 miles away from them very fast while holding your breath.”
He went on: ” ..Tesla is getting a raw deal, you need to just ignore all the dead, and burned alive, Tesla car and battery factory workers..for GODS SAKES, all but three of them are in CHINA..They are ASIANS, they are not AMERICANS!.. who cares?!” We asked him to discuss the safety issues: “Look”, he said: “Yes, we all know that Tesla’s have killed multiple people and that there are multiple homicide charges but it wasn’t like the car killed people, except some of them.”
We asked Mr. Flapjaw about the connection between all of Google’s executives and investors, Tesla’s investors and campaign contributions that line up in a very symmetrical way to the Department of Energy funding. Buzz exclaimed: “What!? You have a problem with symmetry? Look at the Tesla! It is design perfection. It is perfectly symmetrical. Symmetry is GOOD. You try to make it sound like kick-backs are a bad thing.. call them ‘campaign support resources‘, that doesn’t sound so bad, heh?”, he wiped his brow and continued.. “…So what if Google controls the media and hides all the investigations about Tesla, it is better than letting voters get all upset!”
The various charges that Tesla is an organized crime operation created as a kick-back scheme to control stock market valuations was taken to Mr. Erick Holder for comment. His secretary stated that: “Mr. Holder cannot speak to you right now, he is very busy… very, very busy. He has a lot on his mind right now. He has to redo his stock portfolio before Monday and all kinds of things..”
Buzz expects to begin work on his new job as lobbyist for the new “CIGARETTES COME FROM PLANTS AND ARE GREEN AND GOOD FOR YOU” Campaign.
When asked for comment, Mitt Romney merely smirked in a knowing kind a way…
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